CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA – Jennifer and Marc Schindler look like an average American couple; they’re loving parents to a young son and a dog. But they weren’t always the husband and wife you see today.
They had an instant connection when they met online and moved in together a year later. But Jennifer’s parents thought they were just friends. Back then, they both identified as women.
“My parents still didn’t know… because I hadn’t come out to them yet,” said Jennifer.
After dating for three years and with their loved ones by their sides, they were married as a lesbian couple in 2006.
While Marc knew Jennifer was the perfect match for him, the label of being a lesbian wasn’t.
“I just always felt different or odd. Even when I came out as a lesbian, I didn’t feel like that ‘labeled’ me... as much as I hate labels,” said Marc. “I didn’t feel like that really aligned with who I was, but I really didn’t know any way to describe it.”
It wasn’t until Marc watched a documentary about four individuals exploring their gender that he started to understand why he was struggling. “I just really connected with that and was like, ‘That’s exactly how I feel,’” recalled Marc.
He knew he had to tell Jennifer but feared his marriage would end if he was honest. After trying to figure out his new identity alone, he realized he needed Jennifer by his side.
On Valentine’s Day, they watched the documentary that had impacted Marc. Then, he told her he wasn’t a lesbian; he was a man. Jennifer was shocked.
“I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand how somebody could feel that way,” said Jennifer. “We both questioned whether or not I would be able to remain in the relationship.”
Marc had discovered his identity, but Jennifer felt like she had lost hers.
“He had such a strong sense of who he needed to be, but where did that leave me? What did that make me as far as sexuality and my identity,” Jennifer said.
As Marc began his transition from female to male, Jennifer tried to rediscover who she was. It was difficult, and she spiraled into deep depression, inflicted harm upon herself and struggled with an eating disorder.
But even as the life they once knew disappeared, their love didn’t waver.
“When it came down to it, he was really the same person. I loved him for who he was no matter what,” Jennifer said.
As each day passed, their relationship and love persevered.
“We both decided we didn’t care what label you wanted to slap on it. It was what it was. Love is love,” Jennifer said.
It was around that time that Jennifer met Lynn Thorne, a freelance journalist and writer. The two became close friends, and when Lynn heard Jennifer and Marc’s story, she was completely blown away.
“I was awestruck at everything that she had gone through, that everything this couple had gone through,” said Lynn. “I just said, ‘You got to let me tell your story.’”
Lynn knew their story could help others, and she decided to write a book focusing on Jennifer’s experience. As the writing process began, Lynn worried re-telling Jennifer’s pain would cause her struggles to resurface.
But the book did the opposite of that: it provided healing rather than hurt.
“It ended up being really a kind of amazingly therapeutic to re-tell some of the more difficult things about the transition and the journey because I was telling it from being in a much better place,” Jennifer said.
Who Am I If You’re Not You? is about the power of love. “To see them come through the other side, it’s so amazing,” said Lynn. “It tells me that true love really exists.”
Throughout their journey, the couple always hoped to one day expand their family but decided to wait until they were both settled. Today they’ve reached that point and are raising their toddler son.
“It makes me feel like everything that we’ve been through was more than just ourselves,” said Jennifer. “Now instead of being two moms, we’re a mom and a dad and I didn’t ever think that’s what my future would hold… but now that it’s real, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
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